It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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