my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
