They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
