I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Randomize
