i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
