i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
