she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
