now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
