Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
where does the pee come out of this thing
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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