70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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