Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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