at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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