Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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