when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
