I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
