Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
