grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
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...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
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I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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