I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
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