Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
