he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
