Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
