He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
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hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
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When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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