I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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