So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
