Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
