i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
