roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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