God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
