you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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