she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
