I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
