I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Randomize
