I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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