Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
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I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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