Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
