I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I will be naked everywhere
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
