as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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