dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
