Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
