ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
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