we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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