New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
