Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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