May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
