my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
