Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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