you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
