Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
