wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
