i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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