I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
