He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
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He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
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You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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