I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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