i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Everclear isn't food dammit
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
