Your dad touched me again.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
