You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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