but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
