this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
