I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
