we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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