Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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